Battle
by Luchia13
Summary: A bizarre oneshot which contains pointless abuse of gundams, utter defacing of their dignity, straightforward 1x2 hinting, and utter insanity, but in a fun way.


A/N: …This is called an insane one-shot that results from listening to ANYTHING my brother says at 2 AM.

Now, I'm all about citing the inspiration and stuff, so I'll put it this way. There's a show called "Robot Chicken" that takes toys and puts them in skits. I'm all about the mecha, so back in the day I watched a show called Voltron, which is basically a cool anime version of Power Rangers. And when they did a skit with a Voltron toy, I watched it over. And over. And over. This is what came out of it.

I'm not going to even try to claim a toothpick of knowledge concerning The Rules of Battle go.

Warnings: PURE INSANITY! Flagitious abuse of gundams and utter defacing of their dignity. Straightforward1x2 hinting.

XX

Battle

By Luchia

XX

"…We all knew it would come down to this, Yuy."

Wufei's voice crackled on his screen, firm scowl dimmed slightly by his hazy vision. Heero blinked, solemn face staring back.

"You brought your second?"

Wufei's nod was accompanied by the bleep of another window opening up. Trowa nodded to Heero, and Heero nodded back. "You brought yours?"

Another bleep, and Duo grinned out of the corner of his eye. "Gotta say, man, I'm looking forward to this."

Wufei shook his head. "One of these days, Maxwell, I'll ignore your insane logic and just shoot you."

"Aww, come on! Where's the fu-"

Duo's voice was cut off with the flick of a button as Heero observed their positions. They stood on a near-barren plateau, Wing Zero facing down Shenlong. Heavyarms stood back and to the left of Wufei's machine, and Deathscythe did the same for Heero. Sandrock took that moment to land to the right of them all, facing their sides as he pulled a container off his back and slammed it onto the ground.

"Ready, guys?" Quatre's voice bleeped over along with his face. Goggles sat atop his forehead, and a hesitant smile creased his lips.

"Don't worry, Q, you'll get a turn eventually."

If Duo had been in the cockpit with him, Heero would have tugged his braid so hard it'd rip right off, regardless of his screams.

Quatre laughed shortly. "Thanks, Duo, but I'm okay."

Duo's picture shrugged. "Whatever, man." He slouched back into his seat.

"We're ready." Wufei's picture nodded.

Quatre nodded back, and Sandrock turned to the container. "You have a couple minutes while I set up, then."

"Affirmative."

Heero turned off his communications, preparing for the battle before him. Admittedly, he didn't have much experience with this sort of duel. Only once, that he could think of, and the favor had been weighed in his favor. The very real thought that he could lose weighed heavily on him.

And if there was one thing he didn't like, it was losing.

Every move he knew, could think of, raced through his mind, hands clenching and unclenching on Zero's controls.

_You'll help me, Zero…?_

The answer was almost hesitant.

…_Affirmative._

Even the system wasn't very used to this sort of thing, but the link between them added a sense of comfort, of absolute belief between them that yes, they had a chance against the other team.

Duo's head bleeped up on the screen, his smile comforting in ways Heero couldn't begin to describe. "You ready for this, Hee-chan?"

"Don't call me Hee-chan." It was immediate, habitual, and made Duo chuckle.

"Well, I'm just supposed to intrude on your pre-battle thoughts and ask heads or tails."

Heero turned towards Sandrock, who was completely set up, a huge black device that must have cost a fortune (and was designed specifically for events like this) to the left and Quatre in the palm, holding up a gold coin expectantly.

"Tails."

The coin flew up in the air, and Quatre caught it effortlessly, slapping it down on his arm. Like the referee he was, he checked it, and then looked up at them, holding the coin's upside out for them all to see.

Tails.

"Well, I'll be damned. Good luck, Hee-chan! I'll be right behind ya!"

Damned. How true. "Don't call me Hee-chan."

Duo's chuckle was the last thing he heard as his best friend bleeped off the screen politely.

Quatre was back in Sandrock now, and the hand slammed down onto the black device.

The beat came out loud, low and clearly fitting the occasion, darkly moving.

Wing Zero strode into the center of the plateau, and immediately Zero moved, slamming onto the ground and twirling, pommel horsing like an Olympic gymnast could only dream. Heero's hands flew along the controls, speed almost superhuman. One leg flung out, and the machine balanced on it, arm flying out with the beat and quickly whapping back in.

Inertia flung him into a calculated roll, and Heero sprung out of it, posing after his impressive display for a moment and dancing right back to where he'd started.

Duo's whoop flew through the communications, just as Wufei sprung into a roll and jumped back out of it, taking full control of the situation and snapping his dragon arm into the ground, leaping around it and landing on the floor. Sliding right out of that, he jumped into a gravity-defying front donkey kick, sailing through the air to land in his own pose before prancing back.

The music was barely audible when Duo slammed into the center, Deathscythe swirling from one pose to another, back flip switching quickly into front flip midair, each reversal perfectly in time to the music. He kicked out into the sky and landed on one arm, pausing at an insane angle for a few beats and then cartwheeling out of it, only to land on his head and start spinning, the ground screaming as a dip formed quickly from the head and then it was over in a moment, Duo springing into his own pose and back flipping back to his primary station.

Heero couldn't help but blink. That was impressive.

But, of course, he'd spoken too soon, for Heavyarms blasted onto the ground and hand-springed into what could only be called an aerial cartwheel. That twisted into an ice skater's wet dream, spinning and twirling in indescribably psychotic ways that only Trowa would be able to do. He touched back down on the ground and was flung back into the air, tucking into a loop and flinging back to the earth and posing, jumping back to the start.

Duo's face blinked onto the screen. "Double team!"

Heero smirked and nodded, and the two flung onto the field, Zero whispering into his brain exactly what to do, which usually involved shouting commands at Duo, who surprisingly did them without a thought and was shouting commands right back.

The two popped in and out of poses, in perfect synchronicity as they flung their machines around the field shouting at each other. Wing leapt into the air and Duo rolled around him, grabbing one side and flinging him into the ground. Heero hand-springed out of the way and pushed Duo into the ground, where he executed a perfect one footed backflip.

As their verse snapped out, the two stopped, twisted insanely and staring at each other. Urgency and Zero demanded instant disentanglement and returning to the side, and he attempted to comply, but Deathscythe was…everywhere. Finally grabbing the other gundam and ignoring Duo's hysterical laughter he jetted over to their side where they tried to get separated.

Trowa bleeped onto the screen, right along with Wufei and Quatre's. "We can't do that."

Quatre was grinning. "Duo's too busy laughing to say it, so I will. Wufei, Trowa…you got served."

"I told you it was unfair for them to be on the same team!" Wufei's protest went largely unnoticed, especially since Heero was too busy trying to keep Wing Zero from falling onto Deathscythe's half-detached form.

"You agreed to the teams before the battle, so you can't complain." Quatre shrugged.

"And they obviously won."

Wufei frowned, looking at the two very distracted faces on his screen. "HOW can they DO that?"

The music slammed off just as Deathscythe slammed to the ground.

"OWWWW!"

"Hn. Baka."

"It's your fault I fell down!"

"If you hadn't been laughing so hard you wouldn't have fallen."

Wufei muted the two arguing teenagers. "Anyone else noticing they act like an old married couple?"

"You just noticed?" Wufei glared at Trowa, who just smiled.

Quatre, smiling, shook his head. "If they don't see it, we're not going to point it out." He shrugged. "Plus, this way we don't have to eventually buy wedding presents."

A pensive look graced Wufei's face. "That IS a good point…"

The other two nodded, just in time to see Deathscythe punch Wing Zero in the face. Zero punched right back. Out of curiosity, Wufei turned their sound back on.

"-ASTARD! GET BACK HERE!"

Heero jetted backwards and slammed into his teammate, where they tumbled into the ground. A smirk was firmly in place on his face, and Duo grinned just as Wing Zero was flung into the air.

"THAT'S ENOUGH!" Wufei snapped. "Didn't we just have this ridiculous contest to AVOID fighting?"

The two faces blinked on his screen, and he couldn't help but roll his eyes.

Heero ran over to one side of the field, while Duo immediately jetted back over to the previous side.

"BATTLE!"

The other three pilots stared at them.

Duo frowned. "What?"

Quatre shifted. "I only brought one song."

Wufei rolled his eyes. "And I don't want to sit through another ridiculous spectacle like that."

Trowa frowned. "It's pointless."

The two feuding pilots looked at each other. Heero just nodded, and with a sigh Duo nodded back.

"I only hope nobody got any footage of that," Quatre mused on their way back to the enormous safe house provided, of course, by the Winners.

Wufei snorted. "Why, to protect my honor?"

"You were basically owned," Trowa observed, and Shenlong's pilot rolled his eyes.

"Thank you for that tactful reminder."

"Well," Quatre continued, "it's just that if someone saw that…well, we could get in a bit of trouble."

Duo snorted. "What, the psychotic scientists will scold us? Oh, I'm PETRIFIED."

"If OZ saw that…well, you never know."

Heero frowned. "What's the chance they know?"

"About five thousand to one," Trowa answered for them. "And I doubt they'd do anything with it if they had it."

xx

"Treize-sama? We have something to show you," Une's voice broke through the leader's thoughts.

Treize blinked, and the Lady bowed, sticking a tape into the huge TV.

He blinked again as breakdancing gundams danced around the screen. "Well…that's interesting."

Une nodded. "What should we do about it, sir?"

Treize frowned, watching Wufei pilot his way into another dance move. He blinked again. "I have no idea." He sighed. "Show it to Zechs. Maybe he'll know what to do with it."

xx

Zechs blinked. "…I see."

Une nodded, glasses reflecting the screen. "Any thoughts?"

He frowned. "Well, it clearly takes skill…"

She nodded. "I'm sure."

His head turned towards her. "I have NO idea what is going on in this video, to put it frankly."

"…I see. Any input?"

Zechs sighed. "Not really."

Une saluted, and walked out of the office.

xx

"And why are you showing me this, Milliardo?"

Relena eyed her brother suspiciously, who shrugged.

"I would just like you to see…let us say, a different side of Heero Yuy."

With a shrug, the young lady stuck the tape in…

…and watched the breakdancing machines….

…and stared. "What IS this?"

Zechs shrugged. "I was hoping you'd be able to tell me. You've spent more time with them."

Relena's face twisted up in a bizarre expression that Zechs wouldn't have been able to name in a million years. In fact, nobody could explain it, including Relena.

The tape went to static, and nobody noticed as Pargan took it out, bowed, and scurried away to his young reporter girlfriend.

xx

The five stared at the TV.

A flash of their battle was on the screen, this time of Heero dancing off and Wufei prancing on. "And in other news, Shenlong Gundam got _utterly served_."

Duo's laughter was cut off by a pillow being flung into his face. Wufei sprung over to finish the job, only to have Heero's gun drawn on him. Trowa and Quatre's guns flung into their hands, and they all halted at a standstill, only broken by Wufei's scream.

"I DEMAND A REMATCH!"


End file.
